Forget the latest toy or video game this year for the kids.
Get your child the gift that keeps on giving. Give them a zombie! Zombies* are
the perfect holiday gift for any faith or celebration. From lifeless, shuffling
corpses, to enraged maniacal monsters, zombies are a treat for all ages. And so
affordable too.
Zombies are a self-cleaning, self-feeding, self-everything
kind of present that will bring a smile to any child of any age. Imagine the look
on your kid’s face when he or she opens the largest box under the tree and a
stumbling undead nightmare emerges. Priceless!
And what about the little woman on your list? Need a new
garbage disposal? Zombies have been known to eat pretty much anything thrown
their way. That tired old broom got you down? No worries, the slow shuffle of
the classic zombie is guaranteed to push any mess into a neat pile.
Don’t forget about those hardworking men!
A zombie is just
the thing to help out with all sorts of chores around the garage and yard. Need
a tiller for the garden? Just pick up a half off model and let that the zombie
pull its way across perfectly turned soil. How about a hand with washing the
car? Soap up topless lady zombie, then climb into the vehicle, and in minutes
the zombie will smear, swipe and soap away the dirt and debris with her
“sponges”, all while you sit inside comfortably and enjoy the show. Just don’t
let the wife find out!
Many of you are asking yourself that age old question: Where
can an average Joe like me get my hot little hands on a zombie this late in the
shopping season? Turns out the answer is as simple as it is easy. All you have
to do is follow one of three scenarios and voila! A zombie apocalypse is at
your fingertips.
1)
Viral Outbreak: Cover your cough? Not when a zombie outbreak
is only a sneeze away. Forget those warnings from your nurses and doctors; they
are just keeping you from an amazing gift giving opportunity. The CDC is always
demanding we wash our hands. Well wash no more, sit back and just wait for the
super flu to develop. Once the virus mutates, it will be cheap and affordable
zombies for everyone! That is if you don’t catch the virus first. Own a zombie
or be a zombie, it’s as simple as that.
2)
Supernatural control: Can’t wait for a virus to mutate?
Then it’s time you looked into some good old fashioned voodoo. You are one
magic spell away from owning your very own zombie army! If Sugar Hill can
command the undead with a favor from Baron Samedi, than so can you!
3)
Biblical Occurrence: Any day now, the Almighty is going
to get tired of the human race. You’ve heard what happens when there is no more
room in hell, right? Well, all you have to do is make yourself ready for the
rapture, and you too can rake in the benefits of a civilization abandoned by
the divine. Make sure you aren’t too much of a goody two shoes, though, or you
will end up sucked into heaven and miss out on all the zombie action.
So there you have it, three easy, affordable steps for this
year’s perfect gift. A zombie can be yours with minimal effort and maximum
benefits! Just think how your loved one will scream when they see their very
own zombie shambling up the driveway.
Don’t hesitate! Get your zombie today!
*Baring purchasing or making an actual zombie, you could just read the finest in zombie fiction. Why not pick up a copy of The Cold Beneath today? It's available in ebook, print and audio format. It is just as good as the real thing, and no messy intestines to clean up later!
This will also be your last chance to grab Sundowners for a while as I have to pull it from production to ready it for reprint from Permuted Press. Get it while it's cheap!
