And the winner is ...

We have a winner for the Gnomaggedon prize package! WOOP!

 And the winner is ...

Ken J West!

Ken won a copy of the ebook, a copy of the print, and a cameo in the next book, Gnomaggeon II: Gnome Alone. 

Congrats Ken! I hope you enjoy the book and being part of the series. WOOP!



Short Tie-in and Giveaway for Gnomaggedon

Gnomaggedon is here! Hooray!

CLICK ME TO BUY THE BOOK!


When I first began to write Gnomaggedon, it had a very different prologue. After the novel was done, I felt it needed a more form fitting beginning and end, so I changed the prologue to the existing one.  But I never forgot the original. As a treat, I give you the original prologue, in all of its gnomish glory. (story posted after prize widget)








There is also a chance to win a prize!
Follow the instructions on the Rafflecoptor widget below to enter in the Gnomaggedon contest. This is your chance to be featured in the next novel in the series, Gnomaggedon II: Gnome Alone!

There is only one prize package, but lots of ways to enter, so good luck!


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Bad News Bearers 
In which Piddles and Diddles brings the Gnomish court some fairly bad news.

Piddles and Diddles Littlebottom hustled their family's trademark attribute through the royal gates, across the royal garden, down the royal hallway, right into the royal throne room. King Harry the First, Lord of all Gnomes and Master of all he surveyed--which was quite a lot, considering he was just over a foot tall--stood from his seated position on the royal throne and thundered in a very impressive royal voice at the two interlopers.

"Interlopers!" he thundered.

"Your highness!" Piddles cried as he dropped to one knee.

Diddles was already on his knees. Being a gnome of some girth, he had trouble managing the single knee action, so he usually opted for both knees, claiming it was more reverent that way.

"Oh go highness yourself," King Harry said. "How dare you storm in here uninvited and unannounced like that. It's just rude."

"King Harry," Piddles gasped, because he was quite out of breath. Running for almost two days straight carrying an important message that could change all of the Gnomic race for always will do that to a gnome. "We bring dire news from west of the-"

But King Harry would give no quarter on his position. "Who do you think you are? King? Bloody well not, because I'm king, laddies. I'm the king here." King Harry waved his hands about, to illustrate the difference between the three of them. "You're just ... not kings."

"You must listen to us," Diddles said. "Our new is of utmost-"

"I must what?" King Harry lifted his skirts, or rather his royal robes, and trotted down the few steps that separated him from the common commoners. "Listen here you pointy hatted git, I was in the middle of telling a perfectly good joke and you to twats ruined it for me. Ruined it! Forever and always! How dare you ruin my joke. I was just about to deliver the punch line."

"And it was bound to be a delightful punch line I'm sure," said Mrs. King Harry from her royal but much more feminine throne. Though we should probably call her Queen Lucetta. Because that's her name, don't you know?

"It was," King Harry said as he looked back upon the smiling face of his Queen with a gentle, loving smile. "It was a delightful punch line. You were going to laugh so hard, and I was going to smile at you laughing, because you know how much I love to hear you laugh, my little peach-"

Unable to contain himself any longer, Piddles leapt to his feet and shouted, "Shut up!" Piddles then covered his mouth, but it was too late, the words were out there, hanging in mid air between him and the King.

The now very angry King. "Did you just tell me to shut up?"

Piddles nodded. He tried to shake his head, tried to lie, but every ounce of royal messenger training in him forbade him from lying to his liege.

"I thought as much," King Harry said. He hooked his thumb to two burly gnomes that stood on either side of the royal thrones.

Each was roughly the size of a miniature gorilla.

"Do you see these gnomes behind me?" King Harry asked. "Do you know what they do for a living?"

"Please sire," Diddles said. "We have something of grave importance to tell you."

"Guards!" King Harry yelled. "Seize them!"

"Sire! You must hear us out!"

King Harry turned his back on the warning and tiptoed up his royal stairs. "Nope. I don't want to hear another word from either of you."

"Please, your highness!" Piddles cried as the guards dragged the pair of brothers away. "You have to ready the army! They are on their way! We must prepare before it it’s too late! They're coming! If we don't act now it will be far too-" Piddles's voice echoed off into the hallway, then came to an abrupt stop when the heavy doors slammed right in mid warning.

"Now," King Harry said to his Queen. "Where was I?"

"You were about to say the punch line," Queen Lucetta said.

"Oh yes. What was it again?"

Queen Lucetta, Flower of the Eastern lands and doting mother to the whole kingdom, sat ramrod straight and recited, "If I had a vagina, all of this would be mine."

King Harry frowned. "Oh, poo. You've heard it already."

Now, it might've been of interest to a anyone listening just what sort of message the Littlebottom brothers were trying to convey. It should have been of interest to King Harry the First, Lord of all Gnomes and Master of all he surveyed. It was not of interest to Queen Lucetta, but only because the news was so terrible, and she hated terrible news. It was certainly of great interest to their subjects, both gnome and non-gnome alike, all across the kingdom. Even the rest of Malgaria not under gnome reign would've liked to have known.

Because the zombies were coming.

And it was going to take a hell of a lot more than a well timed punch line to stop the undead menace.
**** 

Gnomaggedon It On!

Oh my goodness! I nearly forgot to post it here. Gnomaggedon releases this Saturday, so as a treat I am holding a four hour release party via Facebook.

 You can join the event here!

 I've been posting snippets and fun facts about the characters. I will also do a character reveal during the event, with playable stats and everything! Be sure to join in because there will be a crapton of prizes. In fact I will give something away every hour on the hour, and will also run a week long contest starting from that Saturday. Here is a list of the awesome things I will give away:

10am-11am: An ebook of Gnomaggedon
11am-12pm: An ebook of Gnomaggedon and your choice of one ebook from Tonia's available novels.
12pm-1pm: An ebook of Gnomaggedon and your choice of two ebooks from Tonia's available novels.
1pm-2pm: An ebook of Gnomaggedon and your choice of two ebooks from Tonia's available novels, and a special made to order sketch of a scene from the book (your choice!) by our artist Denise Lahmon.

Week long contest with grand prize (entries accepted starting April 20th up till April 27th): An ebook of Gnomaggedon, a print copy of Gnomaggedon, and the opportunity to be written into the next book.
 Join in! It's gonna be a blast! WOOOOOP!

 Later taters,
Tonia

Pull up your shorts!

Hey peeps!

Here is a bit of an update on the things going down in Tonia town lately. Lots of news so strap in and we will trip all your triggers before we're done. Settled in? Good! First up, I've got a few shorts in some anthologies coming out.

 The first anthology is Machina Mortis: Tales of Steampunk'd Terror. It's a groovy little number with a lot of fun and gruesome steampunk tales. As you guys are well aware, I am all about steampunk horror, so finding myself in an anthology full of them is sweet. I've been waiting on this one for awhile now, and it is finally here!

This one holds a favorite tale of mine, "The Thumping in the Basement." I sure hope you guys like it. 









The second anthology is another one I have eagerly awaited. "For the Night is Dark" features all kinds of amazing stories from wonderfully talented people like Armand Rosamilia, Scott Nicholson, and G.N. Braun. I am please to wiggle my rump right in next to these awesome folks and sit down to a buffet of terrifying tales.

This one holds my story "Lost and Found." It is one of the few tales that I actively wrote with a particular person in mind--not that I want her dead or anything, she just fit the character so well I couldn't help but adopt her manners, speech patterns and even employment.






In other news, I am awaiting word back from a few publishers on some submissions for novels. One is brand new and includes serial killers and werewolves, while the other is a recently released novel I am shopping to larger presses These things take time, but the minute I get news, you will be the first to know. Okay, so maybe the husband will find out first, but you next. I promise! 

Meanwhile I am in edits and final cover design for another self published novel. Those of you who follow my Facebook page will recognize this one from about six months or so ago. I quoted it pretty heavily when it was a work in progress. Some of you have asked here and there about whatever happened to it. Well, ask no more! Gnomaggedon should be out in a few weeks. This one is a fantasy/humor/horror work. Yeah, all three, and all awesome. I can hardly wait to unleash this beast on y'all. It had been a few months since I read it last, and I found myself laughing out loud during edits. 

Okay then, that's all for now, but stay tuned! WOOP!

Later taters,
Tonia  

  
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